Friday, November 22, 2013

My Diary Entry From Seven Years Ago Gives Me The Willies

I'm reading a journal entry from seven years ago and I have goosebumps.

I've spent so long seeing myself as a career woman who got desperately derailed by Malachi's diagnosis. I worked very hard through high school, college and beginning reporting jobs to climb as high and as fast as I could. Then I suddenly dived off that path, so what did all that hard work matter? 

But this journal entry comes from before I had even started working. In many ways, it validates the life I have now. It lets me know that, by and large, I'm doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, albeit not for pay and not in the way I imagined doing it.

The date was Sept. 11, 2006. I had just graduated college and job prospects were dim. Here is what I wrote:


I'm sitting here counting how long I've been unemployed. Not quite three months, though it seems much longer.
I've spent almost entire days on the couch, sleeping or staring into nothing. I've gotten past the point where days of not doing anything are restful or relaxing.
These days are boring, unsatisfying and depressing. Lately, I've come out of my depression a little to feel the need for action. But mostly, I'm unsure where that focus should be directed. Job leads at both the AP and The Sentinel have stalled through unexplainable delays and choosing another road to start down is difficult because there are so many options, depending on how far afield I want to look. It feels like at some point Providence comes in and says this is what you are supposed to do. But how long should I wait for that?
Mom says I need to make a declaration to God about what I want. A segment on TV about a woman who died in the World Trade Center towers said that I need to make a list about the things I want to accomplish in life. So here I go.


• I want to be the greatest service I can be to people in my professional and personal life.

• I want a job that makes me feel like I've made a difference.

• I want to remember to make the smallest impact on the environment that I can.

• I want to be able to feel love at all times and remember to love and be loved.

• I want to feel comfortable with anyone and be able to make anyone feel comfortable.

• I want to stand up for myself and loved ones when necessary.

• I want to succeed professionally and be well respected by my peers.

• I want to have financial security and remember that ensuring this does not mean earning enough but saving enough.

• I want to always consider cogent arguments and, even if I do not agree with them, recognize where they come from.

• I want to be able to feel what I feel and not feel bad that I'm not feeling something else.

• I want to remember to help people whenever I can.

• I want to know what I am worthy of.

• I want to feel special.

• I want to travel more.

• I want to experience many different things in life.

• I want to teach my children to be independent and self-reliant.



The writing I do here on this blog and the questions I answer for other parents on the special needs path encompasses so many of those things. Even though life is linear and I don't owe my former self anything, I feel a measure of satisfaction that I'm not so far off from who I hoped I would be.

Fun with hats and costumes while in a waiting room.



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Looking for a meaningful gift? Dark & Light: A Love Story in Black and White is a beautiful and insightful board book available here. All profits go towards my son's medical needs. 

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